Waiting with purpose

It has been a while since I posted, and though I have a couple of unfinished drafts waiting for completion, I seemed to be lacking the inspiration to post anything. It probably sounds funny, but my heart was not settled, was not satisfied with my meager attempts at writing. So I waited. Waiting is something I have done a lot of in the past couple of years. It requires patience and focus and a plethora of other skills that I have never possessed in large quantities. I had to learn to wait. It is a struggle that I feel is common in the Christian faith. I have always been doing things; school, babysitting, working, cleaning, reading. I have always been good at filling my time, and time is easy to fill when my heart is settled. But it was the waiting for an answer to a very large request that taught me to wait with purpose. My husband and I, along with our families and friends and people I have never even met, were praying for a year for a heart for our baby. It is a long time to wait, granted I know there are people who wait longer for things, but in the middle of waiting it is hard to imagine anything else being so agonizing. It is hard to fill the time when the heart is not settled. I had a hard time filling my time in the ways that used to seem so easy. I was wandering through a dense fog of emotion and confusion and anger. Lots of times of anger. Looking back I can clearly see how God used my waiting to work in my life. At the time, however, I was resistant. I didn’t want to have to worry about me. I didn’t want to wait with purpose. When I talked to my mom the other day about waiting with purpose her response was “what do you mean?” I can see how it kind of doesn’t make sense. I had always equated waiting with sitting quietly and not really doing anything. I have come to realize that waiting, when I am waiting on God, means taking action. Not that I need to go out and find a new goal, but taking the time of waiting to grow my faith, to discover God in a new way, to ask Him what He wants me to learn. Waiting now means growth. It means being purposeful about my faith. I don’t think that God ever wanted us to have a sick child, but He used a situation born of the bad things of our imperfect world to create something amazing. He gave us this child so that we could learn more about His grace and mercy, but also so that we could learn more about what He wants from us, how He wants us to grow and change. It was in the waiting that I discovered more about the God I call Father. How He has given us so much and yet it is so easy to push Him aside and fill our time with meaningless stuff. How He gave me a free will and I can make my choices, but as a person of faith I must be prepared with the knowledge that He will always use my choices for His glory. How grace is something so big that such a small word is really insufficient. How He showed me that it was ok to be angry, as long as I was able to see the truth through the red. How He is always always always faithful. How sometimes when my heart cries and begs and pleads for an answer and He says wait longer, that the strength will be there, that He will be there. How the quiet time of waiting with an unsettled heart is the perfect time to dive into His word. How it is so easy to change our perspective if we have faith that the God of creation is in control. How sometimes what doesn’t seem fair in the moment makes perfect sense with hindsight. How I don’t want to know the details of the plan for my life because the details can seem daunting. I have learned to have faith that no matter the path, the outcome will always be glorious. I live for an amazing God.

It is really easy to sit here and write all of this, but I am still not good at waiting. I still need to be hit over the head with a divine skillet every once in a while. I still forget to make time for God. But I am trying more and more to be purposeful about any waiting I have. I am trying to be purposeful and find God in every situation, no matter how small. I am trying to use the gifts I have been given to grow more into the person God created me to be. And I know that really, my whole life is just a lesson in waiting with purpose, waiting for the day that I can hear my Abba Father say “well done good and faithful servant” which I hope will be followed with a “and here is why all these things happened…”