old and wise.

I am getting older. My numerical age is now closer to thirty, I can no longer claim to be mid- twenties. I am past the acceptable margins that make up “mid.” And I can honestly say that it doesn’t bother me. I know that thirty is not old, not by a long shot. But aging, in general, is not something I am bothered by. Some things about it are sad, like gravity and tiredness. But there is something amazing about aging. Wisdom! I want to be wise. I want to be able to pass useful knowledge on to my children and their friends. I want to be the old lady who amusingly relates tales of her youth that are riddled with morals and lessons. I want wispy white hair and wrinkles and smile lines that have turned into canyon sized crevices. I want all those things because wisdom increases with age. Because the older I get the more I will have learned. There is, however, a tricky part. I want the right kind of wisdom. I want true wisdom. I don’t want worldly wisdom, I want wisdom gleaned from the Word, from the source of all Truth, from the Beginning and End of all things. I want wisdom like James talked about. “Wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”(3:17) and I can have it too. For I am also told that “if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”(1:5). It sounds so easy. Just like accepting the gift of eternal life, which is freely given. The funny thing is that the things that are free, the greatest gifts of all, are the ones that I try so hard to earn. When all I need to do is ask. And therein lies the problem. If I am going to ask for the great gift of wisdom, I need to believe. Believe and not doubt. And that is where I stumble. I doubt. I doubt because it seems too easy, it seems too simple. Things of such great value should not be so easily acquired, at least to my human mind. Again, that is my problem. My human mind wants to understand things when I should just be accepting these great gifts with open arms. I should be drinking them in like a traveller returned from the desert. A thirsty person doesn’t question the water source, they drink freely and fully. That is what I want of my spiritual life. To drink freely and fully without a doubt or question as to the Source. I already know that the water quenching my thirst comes from the Source of all life. One down. One to go. Until I am able to set aside my own struggles, my own pride, I will never be able to receive the wisdom I seek. Faith like a child. Something so simple, so apparently easy, is so incredibly hard. Yet here I go again, diving in, plunging deeper, so that I may be wiser, be more trusting, questioning less. In the end, by releasing my inhibitions to the wind, I will only gain.