the talk.

I remember the first time I read anything from Song of Solomon. I remember blushing in embarrassment at what seemed to be a brazen description of things that had always been so hushed. It was uncomfortable to me to read about something as personal and mysterious to me as sex. While my parents had educated us on the biology and urged us to abstain until marriage, I really had no concept of sex in relation to faith. I knew that I was supposed to wait until I was married because it was something special, because that is what the bible says. But beyond that, there was never a real answer to the why. It was a mysterious and uncomfortable and confusing subject to me, especially surrounded by media and people who did not take it seriously at all. And that danger has only increased for my girls. The things that they will be exposed to as they get older are even more racy than what I saw as a child. Sex has become so impersonal and so expected that there really isn’t a way to protect my children or avoid the subject for long. So the question I have been pondering as I watch my girls get older every day is this; when the time comes, how will I make clear to them the importance of saving sex until marriage? And how will I prepare for the statistical probability that one of them will have that innocence stolen from them by no choice of their own?

I remember sitting in church one Sunday when this topic arose in a sermon At first I was a little scandalized, as any good baptist girl would be. But as I listened I understood better what I never really got as a teenager. So, thank you Pastor Adam Brown. Here is the gist. Sex was not created to be something that is shameful or bad or dirty. Neither was it created to be something we view lightly, take for granted, or abuse with the relish so obvious in the world today. Sex is special and sacred and beautiful. It is the expression of love by choice. It is a representation of God choosing us and us allowing Christ to indwell us. It was created to be for one man and one woman to share with the love that created their union. It is a physical manifestation of a spiritual gift. Just as Christ  is the head of the church, the head of every Christian, so the man is the head of the wife. It does not give him the right to abuse his power, and it does not mean that the wife is less than the man. And just as Christ resides in the church, in every Christian, so the husband is invited by his relationship with his wife to enter her in a physical and intimate way. It is the union of two, for two, because of the love of two. Just as my relationship with Christ is personal just to me, so my relationship with my husband is meant for just him and me. There are many ways that we, as humans, have corrupted this gift, have turned it into something vulgar. Sex is everywhere now. If not obvious, it is implied. Propriety has become prudish.Yet, as a Christian couple, we have the opportunity to take this intimate creation and restore it to its intended purpose for the glory of God. When we keep this wonderful thing for us only, when we do not allow the sins and temptations of the world to defile this gift, then we are using this part of our marriage to glorify God. When I made those vows to my husband at the front of that church, I became more than just his wife in title, I became part of his body, and he became part of mine. Sex is a joining of our souls just as much as it is a coupling of our bodies. I wish that someone would have explained this to me better when I was younger (and I am not faulting my parents or saying they failed me) because then maybe I would have taken it more seriously, maybe I would have better understood sex in relation to my faith. Because I made mistakes. I did not take this thing seriously. I tarnished the gift given to me to bestow on my husband. It was something that I had to reconcile with God and with my husband. And I can tell you that it was something that I wrestled with, something I have begged forgiveness for, and something that I am sure stole some joy from what my wedding night should have been. Yet, I am so grateful that I have a Father who forgives freely out of the love he has for me. He was able to heal that part of my life and help me to understand His creation better so that I may pass on my hard won knowledge to the girls I hope will listen with more earnestness than I did.

And then there is the tricky part, the part about someone stealing what is meant to be saved. I know that there are a lot of resources for girls after the fact, but I don’t want to leave it that long. I want my girls to know that when someone commits such a heinous act, that it has nothing to do with love or faith or God’s creation. I want them to understand that something as awful as rape is the folly and foolishness and sin of man. That we are not responsible for the sin of others. That sometimes people are just bad, and sometimes we reap the consequences of the sins of others. I do not want them to think that they are worth less for having something irreplaceable stolen from them. I do not want them to place such a high value on virginity that they miss the point of love in sex. I do not want them to think that a thief can make them less valuable. This is where I really do not want to fail my girls. I want them to understand the difference between a gift of choice and an act of force. That they will be able to still look at the Father and know that they are special and loved and whole to him. That they will be able to know that they are not any less because of something like that. It might seem premature to prepare for this, but it is not something any girl is safe from. And I have to think about it times four. I can only hope and pray that God will spare them from such a hurt.

God’s love covers a multitude of sins. Whether they are ones I incurred by my choices, or ones that belong to someone else that impacted my life. I am so grateful that I serve a God who gives such wonderful gifts. Forgiveness, love, and sex. Everything, in its place and as intended, is beautiful.