what would you change.

There is a “game” I remember from growing up. Not always a good one or helpful, but here is how it would go. Someone would ask “what is one thing you would change about yourself? ” and we all would have to pick something. Ten, five, even two years ago my response was always something physical. Something like my weight or facial features or hair. But recently I haven’t been as worried about those things. Recently, as the weight of motherhood settles around me, as I look at the small trusting faces of my children, as I worry about my ability to parent, I have found a new thing I want to change. I want a softer heart, a more touchable heart, a more sympathetic heart. I feel like I have been robbed, by illness and stress and busyness, of the heart I once had, the experiences I thought I would get when I had children. I feel like the softer heart I had has been layered with stone, has been hardened and polished to diamond impenetrable strength. I would change that. I would trade my hardness for a softened, more malleable heart. However, as with anything worth having, trading a hard heart for a soft one is not easy. But it is possible. Again, I am faced with the grace of my loving Father. Unlike the fickle dislike of physical features that are unchangeable (without surgery) , I have a chance to change my heart. With lots of help. I serve the Living God. He is able to do much more than me, He is able to change my heart. I just need to let Him. And it is hard. It hurts. It requires vulnerability and an openness that does not come naturally to me. I so hope that I will be able to let the Lord in as I begin this change. I so pray that He will give me the strength I need to face this challenge. I so desire to show my impressionable daughters the value of a soft heart. I want them to know that having a heart that is easily touched will help them reach the prize that is greater than outward beauty or popularity. This example will be hard for me to model.  This is one challenge I cringe at as I face it head on. It is a prayer I pray hesitantly, knowing the challenge that comes with the request. But the need is greater than the hurdles, the little hands I hold are motivation enough. The Word is before me with direction. Now to set my feet on the hardest but most rewarding path.