Tormented.

I am working from Psalms again. I know it might seem like it is taking me forever to get through this book, and it is. It may be the longest book in the bible but I am finding it an enjoyable and easy read. The problem is I have been negligent lately in scheduling time in my day for study. There is no excuse and I know how much my distraction hurts the heart of my Father. But I will prevail and improve. That aside I have been struggling with some of the passages I have read, not that I don’t understand the anguish that the writer is trying to convey, but because I believe that scripture can always relate to my life, even if it is in an abstract way. When psalmist, especially David, write about being tormented, pursued, hounded by those who had selfish ambitions I have a hard time relating. It took a lot of thought, and some time, for me to make a connection. Before I go any further, however, I want to emphasize that this is how I have found these sections of scripture relate to my personal life, I know that there are many people around the world who are facing real and serious persecution for their faith and consequently what I am about to write may seem trivial and narrow minded. It is my hope that you will read to the end before passing judgement or rolling your eyes in annoyance. That being said, here goes.

I love my children, I really do. But I will confess that there are times as a mother when my children seem to be my biggest enemy, they seem bent on turning me into the opposite of a good mother. I know that I am not alone in this, that children have a sin nature and part of our role as parents is to show them that God is waiting to forever change their lives. But they are really good at pushing the limits, at following me around, at whining and complaining, at being thorns in my side. And they can’t even speak with relative clarity yet. Relative to Psalms, my children are my biggest enemy some days. I know that sounds awful. It sounds like I don’t appreciate this great gift I have been given, or don’t understand the immense calling it is to be a mother. Please trust me when I say that I know how incredibly blessed I am to have the opportunity to be a mother. It is just a really hard job sometimes. And that is how I am able to relate to these passages. The question then becomes; how can God understand or help me with this? After all, His Son is perfect. Yet we are all His children. I pondered that for a moment. God has an entire planet full of children that He loves more then I will ever be able to love mine. And daily, hourly, every minute, those same children are disappointing Him, rejecting Him, causing Him grief. God understands more than anyone the frustration that comes with being a parent of sinful children. So the challenge becomes this: knowing that I am a child of the Living God, and that I am to Him what my children are to me how then do I change my attitude as I daily attempt to be a mother worthy of the title? I choose to look at myself every day. I choose to find the ways I am disappointing my Father in the way that I parent my children. I choose to first try to change myself, knowing that example is the best teacher. I choose to ask God, sometimes every waking minute, to step in and fill the gaps so that my children will see their true Father through me. It is really hard. I don’t always want to respond kindly or with patience. The child in me wants to throw a tantrum and get my way. I don’t always want to be good, to be what God wants me to be. Then I have to start all over again and choose a better attitude. The real torment of my bad days is being honest enough with myself to see my errors and wrongs and make the choice to ask for help doing better. I hate asking for help. That is why God gives me so many opportunities to get better.