it all falls down.

There was a moment today when all four girls were crying and I was trying to get something done. I had one on time out, two screaming at my feet, and the other calming herself with books in a corner. In desperation (and a serious bad mommy moment) I called my sister so the time out one could talk to her and be quieter, I fed the babies pizza goldfish, and coaxed the bookworm out with a chocolate granola bar (with quinoa, so not all was lost). It was one of those moments where my mothering was not at its best, yet I didn’t really care. And what mom hasn’t been in that situation? We are not all going to be great at everything and our kids are not always going to eat the way we think they need to. The pressure to be a super mom is serious and real, even if it is mostly self induced. And the worst part, sometimes, is having people think I have it all together, when most days I am pretty sure my kids are baffled by my craziness, and that maybe I am turning them all into horrible people. I know that realistically they will be normal when they grow up, but it is so easy to think that every mistake, every inconsistency on my part is going to irreparably damage my kids. Can I get an amen? I know this is something I have talked about before, but it is a serious problem for me, as I know it is for my friends. And while I may never figure out how to earn my super mom cape, I am pretty sure my kids will be ok; mostly because I know and they know that I love them.

So, in the spirit of disclosure, here is my latest inner battle; I am going crazy trying to do all the things that I read about that I apparently should be doing. I am supposed to socialize my kids, make sure they know how to entertain themselves and develop imagination, make sure I help develop speech skills, help with physio activities, make sure they are participating in some type of development enhancing activity, read to them, play with them, craft with them, teach them,  bible study, prayer, feed them, keep them alive. All while I cook, clean, do laundry, get groceries, tidy and organize my home (apparently while using cleaning to work out so I don’t turn into a dumpy mommy). So, at the end of the day, it is easy to feel like I have fallen so short, so far from the mark. It is easy to feel like it is all falling down around me, on the days when all I can do is try to keep the peace while keeping my house in one piece. I worry that I am failing my girls when I read articles about activities they “should” be in, or conversations I “should” be having about faith, or how yelling is going to ruin my children forever (which it probably will,  but sometimes it just feels so good!). There is so much going on around me that it is so hard to quiet it all, to let go of the feelings of total responsibility, and remember that God already knows it all. He knows how I feel, how my kids are going to be as adults. He knows if my children have been called to him. He knows and this is all part of the plan. He knows my desperation. He knows the days that I can barely see through the tired fog to read my kids their bedtime bible stories. He knows the chaos at meal time that makes supper time prayers a distant thought. And I know that I need to be more intentional. I know that I should be taking the time to enjoy it all. But is God going to abandon me because I didn’t pray for supper or put my kids in soccer? No. He has given me this life because he is going to use it to show me magnificent parts of his character. He loves me enough to let me fail and fall into his arms. He is so full of grace that he will meet me where I am and give my girls what I cannot. He will fill the gaps of my shortcomings with a love so immense. He is infinitely wide and deep and long and high. He is going to fill my life with himself until there is no space for doubts. It all comes, once again, back to trust. Do I trust Him enough to believe that the work I am doing is fulfilling his purpose?

I have been reading Jeremiah and my heart breaks for this man. Like many prophets before, he lived a solitary life that was full of persecution because of the message he carried on behalf of the Lord. God forbade him from marrying or having kids, he wasn’t even allowed to attend weddings or funerals or feasts. He had no friends. It was a lonely life. All made worse by the fact that he carried a message of doom and gloom and capture. People didn’t really like him. And while he spends time calling out to God to take revenge against those who persecute him, there is a moment when he is so thankful that it broke my heart a little.

When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight, for I bear your name, O Lord God Almighty. (15:16)

And God promised to rescue Jeremiah, to save him from his aggressors, to make him like a bronze wall that would not be broken. If Jeremiah could find so much joy in the midst of such a difficult and lonely time, than surely I can look at my life in this crazy time of little people with big demands, and say that it is my joy and heart’s delight. Surely I can look around me and see all the ways the God is rescuing me from the difficulties, how he has surrounded me with the love of family and friends, how he is offering his support even as I feel like it is all falling down. There is nothing that is happening in my life that God is not aware of. And there is nothing happening that He cannot fortify me to face with confidence. I keep forgetting that I am not alone in my days at home. I keep forgetting that the I Am wants nothing more than to give me what I need to parent in a way that will make Him smile. I want my kids to remember my love, not how loud I can yell. I want to have more restraint as I parent, I want to use my time more wisely, I want to quiet all the outside voices and take time to listen to the voice that calls out in the quiet of my heart. I want to be a mom who can stand fast even when everything cracks around me. I want to be thankful, especially in the hard moments, because I have a Father that will give me the strength to stand firm. I want to look at my life with joy and delight because God is with me and has given me all of this for His glory. Every crazy little bit.