Here is the thing about having a sick kid; I want a miracle because it would make my life easier. Everything is easier, at least from the outside, with all healthy children. I know that isn’t necessarily true but my mind like the illusion of greener grass across the fence. And one of the greatest struggles for me is not getting a miracle. Not getting to do things the easy way. And not just with Aleeda, but with the twins, with the appointments, with the worry, with what this all does to marriage. But there is no reset button and there is no way to have everything perfectly the way I want it. And learning to be ok with that is a constant test of my character. A test I do not always pass. Being ok with everything all the time requires serious trust. Trusting that I will be ok even if the circumstances around me are crazy, trust that everything will work out for the best for everyone even if I can’t see it all. I have such a hard time with that some days because it means letting go of my desire for control. When Aleeda was small and in the hospital, control was wrenched away from me and I had no choice but to sit back and ride along. But being home and being a mom again creates so many opportunities for me to try to wrest control away from where it belongs and attempt to steer my life my way. It is such a great temptation. One that I often fall into. And it undermines my faith so quickly and requires me to be humbled once again by something that is out of my control. I sometimes feel sorry for God that he is constantly having to teach me the same thing over and over again. I appear to be a poor student. I like to think I am getting a little better with each tumble, but I am not the judge of that. And with each fall I find that my fall is not from grace, but into grace. Over and over again the blows of disappointment are cushioned by grace. And I bounce back with the intention of doing better only to fall prey to the desire for control yet again. So as I was listening to music this week I was so happy to discover a song that speaks to my heart.
When you don’t move the mountains
I’m needing you to move
When you don’t part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When you don’t give the answers
As I cry out to you
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in you
And that is how I feel. There are so many times that having the mountains moved for me, or having the waters parted, or having all the answers right away is just what I want, how I would make it work. But nothing is learned when everything is handed to me the way I want it at the time I want it. And God isn’t a genie out to grant my every wish and desire. He is here to help me become glorious and holy and pure and wise and everything noble. That will never happen my way. Trust is something that is so hard to do when things are not going the way I planned. Yet the greatest lessons I have learned are gleaned from the times that God stuck by me as I climbed mountains and swam the length of seas and discovered that the answers are not as important as the lessons. Trust requires work, and diligence, and patience, and a desire to better my character. Trust is so much easier when the easy path is handed to me at every turn. But then my trust would be fleeting, would only be present when it wasn’t really needed. I need trust more when I cannot see through the maze of life before me. Trust requires me to force myself to know that the other side of the mountain will be more beautiful when I have learned to scale it with the Guide who will protect me from death. Trust isn’t born of instant gratification of my desires, trust builds as I see the hand of my Father work through the difficult times in my life to create something more beautiful than anything I asked for. Trust in Him is not something He needs to earn, instead it is a gift I need to give Him knowing that he will take that trust and shape it into something so pure and wonderful. So I pray that I will learn to love the mountains and the seas and the unknown. There is nothing more beautiful than what I will find on the other side. And no relationship will grow deeper when I try to forge ahead alone. Trust and lean. Trust and lean.
You can find that song HERE.
faith from the stove 