Reassess.

Time to get real again. To call my life busy would be an understatement. It is downright chaos some days. I may sometimes downplay it, but let’s just call a spade a spade. In all this chaos it is easy for me to question my abilities and second guess my parenting. I can look on social media and see the best parts of other people’s lives, I can see the hard parts if parenting parodied in comics, I can see people make light of the challenging parts. I even do it myself. But the truth is that I struggle. Because this isn’t just about teaching rules and manners, giving experiences and socialising. This is about eternity. This is such a huge task, teaching my kids about God in a real and comprehensive way. This is so much more than what the world around me wants me to believe. And my fears and struggles are compounded every few months when I have to bring my daughter for another assessment of some kind. While these assessments are used to gauge the progress of my child, and help in areas that she may be falling short, I always leave with a feeling of heavy defeat. That despite my best efforts, I am still not a good enough mom. It isn’t always what they say, it is many times my interpretation, but it is hard. Either I need to socialise her more, spend more one on one time with her, read to her for so many minutes a day, question, explain, reason, teach better. The list feels endless and I begin to feel hopeless in a world where intelligence is measured by whatever they are teaching in daycare these days. But I don’t want to send my child to daycare, I want her to be a child for as long as she can. If the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as her, why is everyone trying to speed up and institutionalize the process? I don’t want the wonder scheduled out of her days. Yet I still look out around me and get jealous with the “normal” children so many people are blessed with. The ones who do everything at the “right” time. In doing so I create a foothold for the Enemy. I create a space for him to grow doubts and fears. I allow room for his lies to creep into the most destructive spaces. The first priority should always be to parent in a way that makes my heart right before the Lord. Always. Anything else is counter productive. Anything else is a lie meant to tear at the fabric of my family. Do I want my kids to be well rounded? Yes. But does that mean I have to compromise their faith? No. I only need to walk the path set before me, make my choices with God given wisdom and love, and trust Him who is greater to meet me with grace and love and mercy. And He will. At the end of the day, He always will. Its a promise. The most important thing is that I set the feet of my children on the right path. Everything else is secondary.

I read Psalms 73 this week. If you haven’t read it, you should. It is super enlightening. It mirrored how my heavy heart has been feeling, and helped me gird up and tighten my borders.
Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
That is the type of parent I want to be, one who turns and looks up, who points my children to the things eternal. There is no greater lesson. Especially in times such as these.