The more you know.

How many times have I gone out in public and worked harder at being patient with my kids? How often do I paste on a serene face for the world? How regularly do I try to be obvious in my faith when I am out and about? Being a Christian out and about in the world seems almost like dating; on my best behaviour all the time so that I make myself and my faith look good. It’s so much work. And it makes it so much harder when I visibly stumble. How much more hypocritical do I look when I fall on my face before the world? I am trying so hard to live the “supposed to” life that I forget to live my real life. Not only is this dangerous for me, but it is also dangerous for my family. The most important audience is the one I have at home. And they are the best kind of audience because they are young enough to actually be captive. They can’t go anywhere on their own. I have them all day, every (long) day. What am I telling them when I try harder to be better when I take them out in public? Am I telling them that what other people see is more important than what really is? If I am a more gentle mother when the world is watching, am I not encouraging them to be nasty at home and angels in public? That sentiment might be a little extreme, but the root of it is true. No matter where I am, my life and actions and choices and parenting skills are on display. My children are not a less deserving audience just because they share the intimate space of my home. Yes, it’s nice to be able to let my hair down and be comfortable, but that comfort should not mean that I set aside my patience and yell at my kids. I am the first and most obvious witness. Do I share with them my heart? Do they see me striving to be more? More gentle and patient and soft and caring and loving and self-sacrificing? Am I using all that I know? Or am I like the Sanhedrin that arrested Stephen? Is my behaviour stiff necked? Am I preaching that which I do not live? There is a serious problem when what I know translates better in public than it does at home. My first commitment is supposed to be to my family. That is not solely limited to my time and effort, but to the translation of learning to life. That which I learn is supposed to first impact my life before my family.  The more I learn, the more I am able to live a right life before my children. My home is a greater stage than the grocery store. My home is more illuminating of my heart than the mall. There is no more rapt audience than the people who I feed breakfast every day. And I am living a pitiable life before them. I am far from patient. I am constantly being humbled by the reflection I see in my children. I am failing daily. And I am forgiven daily. I am given new opportunities to do better daily. The challenge is in translating what I know into what I do. I do not want to live in vain, I do not want my life to blaspheme the Father I love. I do not want to waste the lessons that have been placed like lighthouses in my life; each one guiding me safely to the Rest that awaits the faithful if only I follow. The more I know, the more I am required to change the way I live. Truth is not just something I am supposed to hold, it is something I am supposed to live. The flip side is the same today as it was so long ago. It was my sin that held Christ on the cross. I am just as guilty as the men who stood and watched it happen. Am I guilty of the same ignorance as the Pharisees? Am I so caught up in the image of rightness that I miss the point? Has my life been changed in the privacy of my home with the same fervor that I display outside? Sadly, not always. I need to turn my heart. There are more important things than how the strangers I encounter rate my skills. There are four little people who are counting on me to point them to what is right and true and Love. I am the salt and light in their lives. They will forgive me and love me and follow me. Where am I leading? Knowledge is capable of great power only if I let it shine through my life into the darkest corners of my home. The more I know, the more I should live.