unconscious response.

As much as my kids can be crazy ( too many poop stories ), I really treasure the gift of watching them grow. I have been witness to so many firsts. I have participated in some firsts and I have cleaned up after more firsts then I would care to dwell on. It is a heavenly gift that I am able to be the audience as my children discover and learn and grow. Something that is very interesting to me, in this season of parenting, is just how intertwined is the development of our twins. They are at an age where they are becoming more others aware. They have started to realise that they are, in fact, separate people. Yet, they are so much a part of each other’s lives that they still can tell you the name of their sister, but will not tell you their own name. I watch with great interest as they have begun to unconsciously respond to each other. Shea will lay her head down beside Addilyn, and Addilyn will respond by playing with Shea’s hair, or caressing her head. Addilyn will sit with her hand laying beside her on the couch, and Shea will reach over and rest her hand over her sister’s. They have a natural, physical response of care and closeness. It isn’t something we fostered, rather something that grew out of the amount of time they spend with each other. They even have their own rudimentary language, which none of us understand in the slightest. I could listen, all day, to their conversations, their inflections, their responses. Watching them grow is like watching a dance; two dancers with different strengths helping each other learn how to navigate the steps that will bring them ever closer to the grand finale.

As I was sitting today, watching them, I found myself considering the immersive requirement to true God hearted-ness. We cannot grow or discover or discern or respond with Christ-likeness if we are not first working to discover more about Christ. So often, I talk about a desire to grow and to learn. So often I desire the second nature response to God that I see in the relationship my twins have. But the reality is that I am not going to ever have that kind of relationship with the Father who seeks my devotion unless I diligently devote time and effort into the study of His character. Have I done that? If you have tried to do this, to be single-minded in the pursuit of knowledge of God’s character, than you will know that the more you pursue, the more Satan will thwart your every attempt. The greater the desire, the greater the challenges we will face. I see it in my life with children who wake up right as I pull out my bible, a supper that starts to over-boil right when I get to the good part, a minor injury with a major reaction that occurs just as I am about to write down something God has opened my eyes to. There is no easy path, especially at the beginning.

To be able to respond unconsciously in accordance with God’s word is something I wish I was good at, something I wish was easy. And I know that I will never do it perfectly while I am here. But my girls rely on my example. And God is relying on me to take my role seriously, and learn as much as I can in this season, to parent my children to the best of my ability in accordance with His will. I know I am making it sound hard and making it seem impossible. I know this might seem like the equivalent of those home decoration blogs that make me wince with feelings of inadequacy. But the reality is that the more we work towards knowledge, the easier it gets to find the time. The more we work to know God well enough to alter our responses, the more God will give us the grace and wisdom and patience we need in the moments that parenting is hard. There are some things in life that are not going to be worth the striving effort. There are some things in life we will regret not dedicating more time to. There are things in life that will rob us of the joy of motherhood by stealing our focus. I can say with surety that study of the Word is not one of them. I am so far from perfect. I am so far from the Godly mother that I should be, that I could be. But I am working. I am aiming and trying, and trying again. I want to have the unconscious response of praying instantly, of taking a pause, of holding in my anger and responding in love, of handing grace to my children with the generosity God uses with us. I may not be anywhere near where I want to be, but I know that I am getting a little better each day, each week, and each month. I know God is being faithful and rewarding my efforts. I can feel it.