“hating” my family.

I would be lying if I said that there weren’t parts of the bible that I struggled with. There are passages and stories that sometimes make me inwardly cringe. Not always because I don’t understand them, but because they sound so harsh and I know that they could easily be misinterpreted. But one that has always made me wriggle in discomfort is Luke 14: 26:

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters- yes even his own life- he cannot be my disciple.

I think I fight against taking offence to this because of the word “hate.” Hate is such a measurable thing in our language. There is no other meaning for it. Hate is extreme. It feels wrong, after Jesus telling us to love everyone and be kind to the people that hurt us, to hear him say that we should hate our families. So I looked up the Greek. I wanted to know. I wanted this to make more sense to me. I am not able to hate my family, I love them too much to hate them the way we know hate. But the original Greek uses a word that is comparative. It is about choosing one over the other. But does that make this any less of a challenge? Let’s get real here for a minute. We live in serious comfort compared to biblical times, and to many other places in the world. We get to live so luxuriously that we think we can lay absolute claim to the people in our lives. They belong to us, none more than our children. We take great pride in “our” kids. But there is a danger in this possessiveness that can leave us staggering in the face of something we didn’t expect. I learned this the hard way. Thank goodness I learned it early and the ending is pretty happy, but it was a difficult process.

When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I was so excited. I wanted to jump into getting things ready for our baby. Nursery and car seat and swing and bouncy chair and baby carrier. So much research went into the things that we would be using to take care of this child. Until we found out about her  heart condition. We slapped on the breaks, looking for a turn off, a way to change the course we were on. But there was no option. It was a highway in the middle of nowhere with no exit. Bleak. But even before my first baby was born, I learned how far from mine she was. There were so many ways that she could have died before her fifth birthday. The way before us was fraught with risk. It wasn’t all happy, cuddly baby. It was messy. In all that mess, I really saw how the child I wanted, the child I held, was so far out of my control. I am a parent and I am working to train my children and raise them biblically, but I am not in control. They could die tomorrow and there is nothing I can do about it. Does that sound mean? Maybe. Don’t get me wrong here, because I love my children, deeply. But I am very aware that they are not mine. They are a gift. I am to use the skills and knowledge given to be my people in possession of more wisdom than me, I am to use God as the best example of parent, to do my best to lead them to the narrow gate. But I cannot make them walk through it. There is no magic formula and I need to be able to continue on my narrow road even if they take a break and try a different path. I will hope and pray and plead that they come back, that they choose the narrow way, but it isn’t up to me.

The problem that Jesus wants us to see in this verse is that holding people too close, thinking that we can collect and keep them, is going to hinder us. And I know this isn’t an “every man for himself” type situation. I know that we are all to love and care for each other. But if we allow our caring for those people we love to supersede our love for God, than we risk our faith if any of them get hurt or die. We cannot tie ourselves to people who are frail and who will fail. The joy in this is knowing that God cares about what we care about, that God knows the desire of our heart. God knows. So we can trust Him to hold the ones we love with more care and love and comfort than is possible for us. Putting Jesus first is trusting him with the people most precious to us. This is why priorities are important. Putting Jesus first, loving him most, is the best way to love my family. I know that He knew this when he told us to comparatively hate our families. He knows that they are safer in his care. Am I to love them less or ignore  my duties as wife, mother, daughter, sister? No! But I cannot let the temptation to put those duties first draw me away from my first calling as disciple. By ordering my life using Christ’s example, I will have better tools with which to live with and for my family. Putting them first will just frustrate us all with my repeated failings.

I know that, as a mother, I have a slightly detached attitude. I care deeply for them and love them with the strength of any mother I know. But I am wary of holding them too close. I am nervous about allowing them to take a place of highest value in my life. I want to be able to follow Jesus in the capacity he has designed for me. I want to be a testimony in my children’s lives. I want to be a worthy mother. So I choose to place the Father first. We need to grasp that, in this comfort in which we live. Grasp the understanding that control is not ours, and our family, yes even our kids, cannot come before the pursuit of God. We need to take firm hold of it. To be convinced of it. To place our hope in the knowledge that loving Jesus first is loving our family best. Is it a challenge? YES! Is it what our heart wants? I hope so. Is it hard? Better believe it. Is it worth it? Infinitely.