Today I am writing from an angry place, a sad place, a frustrated place. Today I am battling a familiar battle. It is shake my fist in frustration day. I have had many such days and I know that all the fist shaking in the world will not speed up God’s plan and timing. Just like I know that His plan will only be revealed in His time, no matter how vehemently I rail against the situation I am in. I had a visit from a good friend yesterday and we were laughing about how every single one of our children has spent time in hospital. Aleeda was sick, Britton was a tag along, and now twins who were early and are too tired to be awake to eat regularly. It is funny in some ways, but today I am angry. I am jealous of all the families I know who have had the “normal” experience. I am frustrated that I sit here waiting again without knowing where the finish line is. I just want the best case scenario once. I want to have the usual experience. I want God to cut this girl some slack and give me what I so desperately want. I am tired and don’t want to do battle anymore.
However, there is always something I forgot in these moments. God has already cut me an immense amount of slack. I have already been given way more then I, in all my sinfulness, will ever deserve. In fact I have been given the exact opposite of what I deserve. So as I sit here trying my hardest to cry on the inside, I can’t help but feel ashamed at my forgetfulness. Christ died for me. Painfully, bloody, agonizingly. He gave me life, freedom, joy, infinite promises. What right do I have to demand more? Anything more than what I have been given is a bonus, a great gift, a blessing, a demonstration of the overwhelming grace and goodness and love of the Almighty. Am I allowed to be angry? Sure. Am I allowed to be sad? Yes. Will it all get better? Probably. Only God knows the plans for my life, for the children that He gave me. Instead of thinking I should get more, I need to remember that I have already been given the exact opposite of what I deserve. That should be enough. God will give me the strength and patience I need for everything else. Even, and especially, when it’s hard. Amen.
faith from the stove 